St. Patrick's Day Festival! Mother Machree, Tom Waits in Buster Scruggs

 From 500 Best Irish Jokes and Limericks: The American tourist was looking over Phelim's farm. 

"How many acres have you got?" he asked.

"About thirty," Phelim said proudly.

"You know," the American went on, "at home  in Texas it takes me two days to drive around my ranch."

"Poor you," sympathized Phelim. "I had a car like that wanst, but I sold it."