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St. Patrick's Day Festival! Danny Boy, Cathy Maguire and John McDermott

 From 500 Best Irish Jokes and Limericks: Kate and Liam were walking along the road in the late evening.

"I'm terrible afraid, Liam," she said.

"And what would you be afraid of at all, at all?"

"I'm afraid that you might be going to kiss me."

"And how could I kiss you and me carrying two buckets and a hen under each arm."

"I was afraid that you might put a hen under each bucket and then kiss me."

St. Patrick's Day Festival! Garyowen, Bobby Horton, Homespun Songs of the Union Army

 From 500 Best Irish Jokes and Limericks: Phelan was burying his third wife but O'Donnell, his neighbour on the next farm, wouldn't go to the funeral.

"And why won't you?" asked Mrs. O'Donnell impatiently.

"Well, to tell you the truth I feel ashamed. He's asked me so often, and I've never asked him back once!"

St. Patrick's Day Festival! Star Of County Down, Van Morrison And The Chieftains

 Three thugs attacked Slattery and it was a fierce struggle. Finally they got him down and took threee shillings and a half-penny from his pocket. 

"WHat the hell did you put up a fight like that for three shillings and a halfpenny?" asked one of the disgusted hijackers.

"Sure I thought you were after the ten pound note in me sock."

St. Patrick's Day Festival! Irish Washerwoman Medley, Don Richardson

Peader woke up in a hospital bed and he knew that he was suffering from more than the normal hangover. Groaning with pain, he turned over to find his faithful friend Terence beside the bed.

"What happened to me, Terence?"

"You went up on the roof of  "The Silver Swan" and bet you could jump off and fly over the city."

"Why didn't you stop me?" groaned Peadar.

"Sure, I had a ten bob bet on you!"

St. Patrick's Day Festival! The Minstrel Boy, John McDermott

 From 500 Best Irish Jokes and Limericks: Mrs. Redmond went into the confession box and was about to start when she noticed an unfamiliar face behind the shutter.

"You're not Father Donlon. What are you doing there?"

"I'm the french polisher, M'am."

"Well, where is Father Donlon?"

"I couldn't tell you, but if her heard anything like the stories I've been listening to, he's gone for the police!"

St. Patrick's Day Festival! The Rose Of Tralee, Roger Whittaker

 From 500 Best Irish Jokes and Limericks: The Co. Donegal farmer was convinced he'd swallowed a horse and he couldn't be persuaded otherwise. Eventually they got him to a psychiatrist who gave him an injection, put him to sleep and brought a big white gelding to the bedside'

"There yoiu are, Finnegan. I removed the horse."

Finnegan shook his head sadly. "Tis fooling me you are. Sure my horse is a Connemara pony."

St. Patrick's Day Festival! When Irish Eyes Are Smiling, John McCormack

 From 500 Best Irish Jokes and Limericks:  Finnegan's phone rang in the small hours of the morning and it was Hourihan who wanted to know the time.

" 'tis four o'clock in the morning."

"Thanks," said Hourihan, 'I hope I didn't disturb you."

"Not a bit of it. Sure I had to get up to answer this phone anyways!"

St. Patrick's Day Festival! Mother Machree, Tom Waits in Buster Scruggs

 From 500 Best Irish Jokes and Limericks: The American tourist was looking over Phelim's farm. 

"How many acres have you got?" he asked.

"About thirty," Phelim said proudly.

"You know," the American went on, "at home  in Texas it takes me two days to drive around my ranch."

"Poor you," sympathized Phelim. "I had a car like that wanst, but I sold it."

St. Patrick's Day Festival! My Wild Irish Rose, The Irish Tenors

 From 500 Best Irish Jokes and Limericks: A classical Belfast joke tells of a new policeman who found a dead horse in Chichester Street, Belfast.

"How do you spell Chichester?" he asked some of the people around him, but no one knew.

"All right, then. Give me a wee hand to pull the animal into Mary Street."

St. Patrick's Day Festival! O'Sullivan's March, The Chieftains

 From 500 Best Irish Jokes and Limericks: They were completely drunk but when they saw the black crepe on the door they decided to go in and show respect for the dead. They tiptoed into a darkened room lit only by two candles on a grand piano.  Heads down, they went over and knelt beside it, said a prayer and tiptoed out again.

As they staggered away Aongus shook his head at Fergus. 

"I'll tell you one thing, Fergus..."

"Whash that?"

"That corpse had the finest set of teeth I ever saw!"

St. Patrick's Day Festival! Finnegan's Wake, The Irish Rovers

 From 500 Best Irish Jokes and Limericks: "How is your son the doctor doing in Dublin, Mrs. Lenihan?" asked the curious neighbor.

"Grand, to tell you the living truth. He's making so much money that he doesn't have to operate on every patient now."

St. Patrick's Day Festival! The Wearing Of The Green, The Wolfe Tones

 From 500 Best Irish Jokes and Limericks: The Irish policeman was doing his best to stop a suicide from jumping off a New York skyscraper.

"Think of your sweetheart," he shouted at the man.

"I haven't go one," came the reply.

"Think of your father and mother," pleaded the cop.

"I'm an orphan," wailed the suicide.

"Think of the saints of Ireland, " begged the cop.

"Why should I? I'm English!"

"Jump, you swine, jump!"

St. Patrick's Day Festival! Molly Malone, Patty Gurdy, With A Hurdy Gurdy!

 From 500 Best Irish Jokes and Limericks: Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man.

"What happened to you, Paudeen?" he asked.

"Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe..."

"But about your foot....?"

"This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she was wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."

"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently.

"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle!"

St. Patrick's Day Festival! Song For Ireland, Luke Kelly

 From 500 Best Irish Jokes and Limericks: The Judge was stern. "O'Driscoll," he asked, "have you ever been up before me?"

"I don't know, Judge. What time do you usually get up at?"

St. Patrick's Day Festival! Harrigan, James Cagney and Joan Leslie

 Kennedy came along the road to find his friend Finnegan lying in the ditch where he had been thrown by a passing truck. He lay on his back groaning and moaning, the rain was pouring down and lightning was flashing about.

"Kennedy, Kennedy, get me a rabbi! Get me a rabbi"

"Are you mad, Finnegan? Sure you're a Roman Catholic and what would you want a rabbi for?"

The victim opened his eyes reproachfully. "Aw, Kennedy, you wouldn't think of asking a priest to come out on a night like this!"

St. Patrick's Day Festival! Sweet Rosie O'Grady, The Shannon Quartet

 Father Scally stopped Owen on his way into the church. "Owen, could you come back tomorrow night for confession? We have hundreds in the church at the moment. You haven't committed a murder since the last time?"

"Indeed I haven't, Father, Ill come back tomorrow night"

On his way out he met Declan.

"Go home, Declan, and come back tomorrow. They're only hearing the murderers tonight"

St. Patrick's Day Festival! Where The River Shannon Flows, John McCormack, Fairies, Blarney!

 From 500 Best Irish Jokes and Limericks: The tinker was in court charged with stealing an overcoat. "My man, " said the District Justice, " three years ago you were before me charged also with stealing an overcoat."  

"Of course," said the tinker. "How long do you think overcoats last?"

St. Patrick's Day Festival! It's A Long Way To Tipperary, John McCormack

 From 500 Best Irish Jokes and Limericks: The County Cork hurler arrived at the gates of Heaven and the shadowy figure guarding the entrance had a word  to say.

"Is there anything you have done that might keep you from entering Paradise?"

"Well, now you see, sir," said the embarrassed hurler, "I played for St. Finbarr's in Cork and in the last game I missed the ball with my stick and I kicked it into the goal and we won, and St. Finbarr's shouldn't have got the match."

"Pass within!" said the shadowy figure.

"But St. Peter, I don't think I should."

"I am not St. Peter. He is off duty, so pass within."

"Well, who are you, then?"

"St. Finbarr."

St. Patrick's Day Festival! Rocky Road To Dublin, The High Kings

 From 500 Best Irish Jokes and Limericks: Mrs. Moriarty was buying medicine for her husband and a preparation for the sick horse.

"Be careful," said the chemist, "that you don't get the bottles mixed."

"Oh, you can be sure of it," she said with emphasis. "Sure wouldn't it be awful if anything happened to the poor animal before the spring ploughing?"