Father Scally stopped Owen on his way into the church. "Owen, could you come back tomorrow night for confession? We have hundreds in the church at the moment. You haven't committed a murder since the last time?"
"Indeed I haven't, Father, Ill come back tomorrow night"
On his way out he met Declan.
"Go home, Declan, and come back tomorrow. They're only hearing the murderers tonight"
Who Knew? We had some thieves looting our barns the other day and we interrupted them before they made off with the (ahem) treasures. Some crusty copper wire, some iron junk, an old bait bucket, and an old grindstone with a big flat spot. Unfortunately, when thieves go back to the old grind, that means more thieving, not something productive. Oh Well, or words to that effect. Back To The Old Grind!
From 500 Best Irish Jokes and Limericks: The tinker was in court charged with stealing an overcoat. "My man, " said the District Justice, " three years ago you were before me charged also with stealing an overcoat."
"Of course," said the tinker. "How long do you think overcoats last?"
...on this fantastic model! Thank You for the thrill, Merle!
From 500 Best Irish Jokes and Limericks: The County Cork hurler arrived at the gates of Heaven and the shadowy figure guarding the entrance had a word to say.
"Is there anything you have done that might keep you from entering Paradise?"
"Well, now you see, sir," said the embarrassed hurler, "I played for St. Finbarr's in Cork and in the last game I missed the ball with my stick and I kicked it into the goal and we won, and St. Finbarr's shouldn't have got the match."
"Pass within!" said the shadowy figure.
"But St. Peter, I don't think I should."
"I am not St. Peter. He is off duty, so pass within."
"Well, who are you, then?"
"St. Finbarr."
From 500 Best Irish Jokes and Limericks: Mrs. Moriarty was buying medicine for her husband and a preparation for the sick horse.
"Be careful," said the chemist, "that you don't get the bottles mixed."
"Oh, you can be sure of it," she said with emphasis. "Sure wouldn't it be awful if anything happened to the poor animal before the spring ploughing?"
From 500 Best Irish Jokes and Limericks: They asked Mick to break it to the family that their son Thady had suffered an accident.
Mick knocked on the door and the woman of the house came out.
"I'm sorry, Mam, " he said, "to tell you that your son's gold watch is after having a bad accident."
"What do you mean?" asked the woman. "My son hasn't got a gold watch."
"That's a bit of luck then," Mick went on, "because ten ton of rock is after falling on him."
